He's Just Not That Into You



You know it's a chick flick when you wake up and your wife is crying...

 So, about a month ago, I watched this movie with my wife.  For some weird reason, I was thinking about it again and how the movie made me cringe reflect on the way relationships work these days, apparently.

Having been out of the dating scene for the past decade, I felt it was imperative that I view this opus of relationships.  Just kidding.  Here's a more accurate depiction of my having seen this film.



WHYYYYYYYYYYY!



Yeah, I was coerced into viewing this movie and did so with all the loathing and skepticism as our friend Alex above.  However, there were some good parts. 

I think Bradley Cooper did a great job of playing an unaffected self-destructive douchebag, as usual.  Jennifer Connolly was brilliant as the suspicious cold-hearted bitch, like always.  Drew Barrymore played her typical out-of-the-loop, too young to be really over the hill, but useless in a relationship dreck.  Ben Affleck was sensationally playing against type as the afraid to commit Southie.  Scarlett Johannson did a great job at being sexy and dangerous to the well being of all around her.  Jennifer Aniston is the "I want to get married before my tits dry up and I can't have kids" trope. Kevin Connolly reprises his role from "Entourage" as the guy who can provide insight for everyone's relationship but his own...

My point is that it was a movie full of "safe" roles for all involved.  I mean, I can't say much about the typecasting of Ginnifer Goodwin, because I've not seen her in anything other than her forgettable role as Johnny Cash's cockulded (do you use cockuld for a woman?) wife. However, her character was SOOOOO cringeworthy, it makes my dusty twelve-years stale "game" look impressive.  And yes, these were the best parts, in my opinion.

It was amusing, don't get me wrong.  However, this movie reads like a bad advice column from Cosmo.

Does your husband drop hints about your weight? He's cheating on you!  Does he tell you that your weight doesn't matter? He's cheating on you!  Does he randomly say he loves you? He's cheating on you!

I'm not even going to bother with spoiler alerts because I'll be doing you a favor by telling you the details of this movie and saving you the torture of watching it yourself.  I can only apologize for dredging up the memories of those who have been exposed to them.

The #1 element of this movie that needled me was the dynamics of the relationship between Jennifer Connelly and Bradley Cooper.  SHE'S MORE PISSED OFF THAT HE'S SMOKING THAN CHEATING! HE STILL DENIES SMOKING, BUT ADMITS TO CHEATING...BEFORE HE'S CAUGHT DOING THE SECOND BUT AFTER CAUGHT DOING THE FIRST!  Do real people exist that have their priorities and dealbreakers skewed this way?  Am I out of touch?  I ranted about this through the whole movie!  In fact, the badgering about the smoking is what probably pushed him over the edge with the cheating!  He probably figured if she was going to be such a heinous bitch about an occasional smoke due to her father dying of lung cancer (understandable, but come on!), yet not about his infidelity, then the relationship is pretty much dead anyhow.  

The epic failing of Ginnifer Goodwin's character was sort of endearing, yet she seemed WAY too eager.  Kinda reminds me of Laina, the Overly Attached Girlfriend.

Had to go with the .gif.  Much creepier.

 I felt embarrassed for her the entire movie.  The ending was so predictable and sappy, I think I got Type Two Diabetes. 

The relationship between Ben Affleck/Jennifer Aniston is so typical of their respective bodies of work that you can just mentally mash together Chasing Amy and an episode of Friends and get a pretty good picture.

Drew Barrymore's part was so forgettable that I can't comment on it.

Scarlett Johannsen was a skank who didn't know what she wanted and even when she had exactly what was best for her, she walks away.  Her half-nakedness was the only thing that I enjoyed about her character.  I don't even feel like a perv for saying it (yes, I do, but...).

There's more to say, but this much has given me a migraine already.  I need some chocolate to bring myself back to calm now.  Sorry, this entry was more of a rant than a review.  Hopefully it was entertaining. 

Basically, if you are a hetero-guy and you are made to watch this, don't expect to get any sexy time afterwards.  This movie will only feed any suspicions that your significant other may be feeling.  If you are hiding ANYTHING, NO MATTER HOW INSIGNIFICANT, talk about it BEFORE you watch this! 

If you are a straight woman, please be kind to your boyfriend/husband/common-law lifemate upon watching this.  However, if he lets go of your hand during any scene with Scarlett Johannsen, he doesn't love you and you've already lost him.

The ONLY further good thing I will say is that the movie drives home the point that if your daughter is teased by a boy and you tell her that it means he likes her, don't be surprised when she only dates assholes later on on life.

I'm thinking the only people who can watch this safely are lesbian couples who can chuckle together and further validate the fact that they are not attracted to men, who are all evil, apparently.

Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to re-watch Closer to kill off any last remnant of self-worth and faith I have in being a man. 

Moral: Everybody cheats because humanity sucks.